can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
