she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
