just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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