I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
