I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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