i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
