I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize