I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
