Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
