Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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