i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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