just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
