Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You made out with two different species that night
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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