I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
