I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
