My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
