i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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