We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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