i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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