She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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