Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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