i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
