Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
