So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Holy sore nipples Batman
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
