You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
