Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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