Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize