Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize