just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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