Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
