she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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