I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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