How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
