are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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