My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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