I think I died a long time ago.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
