I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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