Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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