Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
