I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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