Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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