I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
FUCK WHALES
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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