Quick, to the slutcave!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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