my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
