This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
