So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
