We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
