I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
