i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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