Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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