Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
