Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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