true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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