We won't sleep together?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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