Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
