I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
