I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
