Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
