Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
