i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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