the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
