My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
No stitches, just platelets and will power
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
